Relationship research · 7 min read
Dating as a military brat: what the research actually says
Growing up moving every two or three years for a parent's orders leaves a mark on how people love. Here's what the (admittedly thin) research says that mark looks like - and what to do with it.
1. What “military brat” actually means
“Military brat” is the term, worn as a badge rather than an insult by most who use it, for someone raised in a military family - typically moving stations every two to three years, often between countries, with a parent whose job could mean a sudden deployment or a sudden move. In the research literature, military brats sit alongside diplomat kids and missionary kids as one of the original and most common subtypes of third culture kid (TCK): someone who spends a significant part of their developmental years outside their parents' culture [3].
That overlap matters here. Because almost nobody studies “military brats and dating” as its own field, most of what's known comes from two places: the handful of studies that asked military-connected adults directly, and the much larger body of research on adult TCKs generally - which, if your childhood looked like regular moves, a strong sense of your family's own culture wherever you landed, and a rotating cast of friends, applies to you too.
2. The one study that asked adult brats directly
The clearest dedicated source is a 2012 doctoral dissertation at William & Mary, where researcher Karena Heyward surveyed 102 adults who grew up in military families about their adult friendships and romantic relationships, then conducted in-depth interviews with 8 of them [1]. The dissertation frames its own reason for existing plainly: at the time, almost no research had looked at how growing up in a military family shapes the relationship choices, skills, and challenges adult children carry forward.
A separate, narrower study out of West Point compared cadets who grew up in military families (“brat cadets”) with those who didn't, looking at character strengths and performance [2]. It found several self-control-related strengths were higher, on average, among non-brat cadets - and, notably, that several of those same strengths predicted performance for brat cadets but not for their peers, meaning the relationship between a trait and an outcome wasn't the same across the two groups. It's evidence for a real difference, even if it's about a specific institution and not dating.
3. The patterns that show up in the wider research
Where the military-brat-specific evidence runs thin, the adult TCK research is much deeper - and most of it was built on exactly the childhood military brats recognise: new country, new school, new friend group, every couple of years, on a schedule you didn't set.
- Relationship patterns shaped by goodbyes. The foundational TCK research describes a recurring pattern of either bonding quickly and deeply with new people (because there's no time to waste) or holding back emotionally (because the goodbye is already scheduled) [3]. Many adult brats describe doing both, depending on the relationship.
- Reading people and situations fast. Research on third culture individuals found they showed greater interpersonal sensitivity than people who grew up in one place - picking up on unspoken social cues faster, a skill built from constantly having to read a new room [5].
- Real strengths, real friction, often both at once. A review of adult TCKs in the workplace found the same profile shows up as both an asset and a challenge: strong cross-cultural skills and adaptability, alongside harder-to-shake restlessness and a looser sense of where “home” is [4].
None of this is unique to military families specifically - it's the shape of growing up mobile. What is specific to military brats is the texture: deployments adding an extra layer of anticipatory loss on top of the regular moves, a parent's rank sometimes shaping the family's social world, and - as Heyward's dissertation set out to examine - a relationship to institutions and authority that civilian TCKs don't necessarily share.
4. What this looks like on a date
"Where are you from?" has a long answer
Most military brats have a stock short answer (a hometown they barely lived in, usually) and a much longer real one. Giving the long one is often the moment a date either leans in or glazes over.
Fast intimacy isn't always a green flag
Deep conversation by date two can be genuine connection or a well-practiced skill for compressing a friendship into the time you have. Worth noticing which one it is - in yourself and in them.
Packing up emotionally before anything's wrong
A learned habit from a mobile childhood: start distancing when things get good, because good things used to end on a schedule. It's worth naming out loud rather than acting on quietly.
A real draw to people who get the lifestyle
Not every military brat wants to date another one - but many report relief in not having to explain the moving, the goodbyes, or why 'home' isn't a simple word.
2-minute self-check
How TCK are you?
13 statements drawn from research on third culture kids. Get a score from 0 to 100.
Get my TCK score →5. What actually helps
Nothing here says military brats can't build lasting relationships - plenty do. What the research points to is less about fixing a flaw and more about noticing a pattern early enough to choose differently.
Naming the pattern out loud
- "I tend to go all-in fast, then pull back" is a much easier conversation on date three than a surprise disappearance at month four.
- If you notice yourself emotionally packing up when things are going well, that's worth saying - to yourself first, then to them.
Picking people who can sit with the long answer
- The "where are you from?" question is a decent filter - watch who stays curious past the second city on the list.
- A partner who's also mobile-raised (military, diplomat, missionary, or otherwise) often skips a lot of this explaining entirely.
Separating chemistry from compatibility
- Fast closeness is a real skill, not proof of fit. What predicts whether a relationship lasts has much more to do with how you handle conflict and how secure you feel together than how fast you got close.
What actually makes relationships last, with the full research →
Frequently asked questions
Is there real research on military brats and adult relationships?+
There's very little that's specific to military families. The clearest one is a 2012 William & Mary dissertation that surveyed 102 adult children of military families about their friendships and romantic relationships and interviewed 8 of them in depth. Most of what else gets written about "military brats" draws on the broader third culture kid (TCK) and cross-cultural kid research, since growing up moving every 2-3 years for a parent's career is the core experience both groups share.
Are military brats considered third culture kids?+
Yes, in the research literature military brats are one of the original and most common subtypes of third culture kid - alongside diplomat kids and missionary kids. David Pollock and Ruth Van Reken's foundational TCK research explicitly includes military families, and Morten Ender, a West Point sociologist, has written specifically on military brats as "global nomads."
Why do military brats sometimes struggle with commitment?+
The leading explanation isn't that anything is wrong with military brats - it's that moving every few years as a kid, with goodbyes on a schedule you didn't choose, teaches a lot of people two competing habits: bond fast, because you don't have much time, and hold a little back, because the goodbye is already on the calendar. Both are adaptive for a mobile childhood. Neither is automatically useful in an adult relationship that isn't going anywhere.
Do military brats make good partners?+
The research doesn't support a verdict either way - and that's the honest answer. What it does describe are real strengths (adaptability, independence, reading people and situations quickly) and real friction points (trust that takes longer to build, a learned instinct to pack up emotionally before anything goes wrong). Whether that adds up to a good partner depends on the person and the relationship, same as anyone else.
Why we built it this way: what the science says makes relationships last →
References
Dedicated research on military brats and adult relationships is limited to one dissertation; where the evidence runs out, this article says so rather than filling the gap with the broader TCK literature as if it were brat-specific.
- [1] Heyward, K. (2012). Children Serve Too: An Investigation of the Impacts of Military Family Life on Adult Relationships. Doctoral dissertation, William & Mary School of Education. https://dx.doi.org/doi:10.25774/w4-9dz0-tq94
- [2] Gosnell, C. A., Kelly, E., Ender, M. G. & Matthews, M. D. (2020). Character strengths and performance outcomes among military brat and non-brat cadets. (West Point / USMA research record, Athena repository.) https://athena.westpoint.edu/items/61ba6cbc-dad0-4037-ba30-3409f28fcfaa
- [3] Pollock, D. C., Van Reken, R. E. & Pollock, M. V. (1999; 3rd ed. 2017). Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds. Nicholas Brealey. https://openlibrary.org/search?q=Third+Culture+Kids+Growing+Up+Among+Worlds
- [4] Bonebright, D. A. (2010). Adult third culture kids: HRD challenges and opportunities. Human Resource Development International, 13(3), 351-359. https://doi.org/10.1080/13678861003746822
- [5] Lyttle, A. D., Barker, G. G. & Cornwell, T. L. (2011). Adept through adaptation: Third culture individuals' interpersonal sensitivity. International Journal of Intercultural Relations, 35(5), 686-694. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.ijintrel.2011.02.015